Let us begin where we obviously must: Here, there be *~*SPOILERS*~*. Maybe. I don't know. This is all speculation based on the books, so I could be wrong. But if you're one of those gremlins masquerading as humans who get really upset about spoilers, may the Stranger take your uppity soul.
Okay, anyway, Game of Thrones! A trailer leaked yesterday, forcing HBO to release it early and it's like R'hllor himself smiling down upon his Chosen People (aka, Melisandre). It's two minutes long, and packed with amazing peeks at what's to come when the series premieres on April 12.
First things first, that music. Oh. My. Seven. The moody, creepy, growly David Bowie cover is so good. HBO consistently does fantastic work with their promos, so it's no surprise that they hit just the right note with what is arguably the most important promo of the entire year. Hyperbole? Absolutely not.
Let's get down to some speculation, shall we? The trailer opens with a NOT HAPPY Cersei scolding who I can only assume is Short-Hair Jaime (the Jaime to Rule All Jaimes), since it then cuts to J-Man tearing up with raw emotion. It also looks like we're going back to Joffrey's pyre-side, so maybe we're going to get some kind of explanation after that whole horrific rape scene last season? I'm not counting on it.
Cersei is obviously pretty upset about Tyrion getting out of dodge in time to avoid his execution, and she's talking a whole lot of smack about Jaime not protecting his loved ones. We get a few looks at what I'm assuming is the much-talked-about flashback scene to Cersei's visit with Maggie the Frog, a witch who gave Cersei a most displeasing blood reading about the then young lion's future. Oh Cersei, you beautiful and ambitious but blinded fool.
Meanwhile, Tyrion is on the exotic vacation he never dreamed of! In the books, this was the point in the story where my love for Tyrion started to fade. I don't know if the show will follow him down the wormhole of abject alcoholism and crude abuse of prostitutes that he slides down head first, but we'll see. Varys wisely got himself out of Westeros after helping Tyrion escape, and it looks like the sneaky Spider is showing his true loyalties. Varys is totally #TeamDany. But personally, I liked the reveal in the books better (yup, going to make that call based on less than one second of footage from a season I haven't seen yet because I like to live dangerously).
In other Lannister news: All hail King Tommen! I'm strongly #TeamStannisTheMannis, but I do love Tommen. I hope the show stays true to his endearing kindness, because in the books Tommen is the absolute sweetest. I know they've made him older, as they have with other characters to keep from being too creepy, but please let Tommen be nice! Also, Queen Margaery is looking a-maz-ing in her wedding outfit. I like it better than the Red Wedding get up. And let's be honest, this is her third wedding. Going a little more understated is definitely a good choice.
But what about the Starks? Good question! Sansa is 1000% DONE, chilling in a bath with the look of a woman who has had the WORST week of her life and just wants to eat some lemon cakes and listen to "Pretty Hurts" on cathartic repeat. Meanwhile, Arya is at the House of Black and White, ready to learn some real boss-bitch skills. Ned Stark's Bastard looks like he's in for a fight, but he sure does look majestic gazing over the wintery tundra at The Wall with his feathery half-cape. I'm into that half-cape.
Dany, who spits a mean game about breaking wheels and changing cultural norms in cities she takes by force, is in for a wake-up call this season! We see her Brazen Beasts walking through the narrow streets of Meereen, and then one of the murder scenes left behind by the Sons of the Harpy. And Jorah! If we're going to get the fight scene this season, does that mean we also get to see Dany riding a dragon? Maybe! No one knows!
Things I'm not enjoying: Reek. Even just a split second of his broken and defeated face makes me want to cry. Also not liking the hints at Ramsey's presence, like the flayed men on the map and the dude's hand scratching at the arm of a chair. I assume these things are Bolton related because a) they scare me and b) it coincides with Varys' mention of having the "right last name", which is an issue of contention for the Bastard of Bolton. He was only just made an actual Bolton at the end of last season, and in order to control Winterfell he's going to have to pair off with a Stark. Anyone else super not ready for that dark and twisted and horrific clustercuss? I basically have to start bracing myself for it now.
But then again, that could have been Stannis the Mannis, the One True King of Westeros! That's right, Stannis is the rightful king so #DealWithIt. Look, I get that everyone likes Dany and Tyrion and other actual "likable" characters, but Stannis does have the strongest claim to the throne. The Lannisters are not Baratheons, and Robert killed the Targaryens, so the line of succession remains with the Baratheon family. Plus, Stannis is the only claimant to the throne who is actually doing something worthwhile for the realm. And he's not here to make friends, but he is smart in the counsel he takes and who he takes it from. Stannis/ Melisandre 2016.
The trailer moves FAST, but we do get a few glimpses of the Sand Snakes, Oberyn's no-shit-taking daughters. The Water Gardens get a split second shot, too, and they are gorgeous! I'm so excited to see Dorne. Later in the trailer we see who looks like a Dornishman getting knocked off his horse -- could this be the attempt to get Marcella away to crown her? Or could it just be some gratuitous violence? It could go literally either way! Or it could be both at the same time!
What are you hoping to see in the next season? Any wild speculation you'd like to share?
Bridey is a freelance writer living in Washington, D.C.
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